My God Shelters

smile

2012-02-06T14:39:00.000+08:00

because I think everything is going to be just fine (:

A new week is a new start, a new beginning

So lets leave the past behind, and look ahead to better things (:

Dissociation

2012-02-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, these few days, it seems like I’m living out multiple facades and identities…

A) there’s a part of me thats become very cynical and disconnected with my emotions. It’s also starting to doubt whether God know’s what He’s doing. Fits of moodiness, anti-social behaviour and bitterness accompany this identity

B) There’s a part of me that desires to be a better person for God, who believes strongly in social causes and justice. Believes that everything happens for a reason, and that God is just using trials to shape me to a better person...

C) There’s a part of me that is really very upset, and doesn’t like what’s going on. He’s fighting with A and doesn’t want it to ruin my life, especially the friendships that are important to me

D) There ‘s a part that thinks it’s better to move on. He says that “things like this just happen”. He reminds me that there are also a lot of other people who value me as a person, and probably I’ll find another person who’s suitable for me in time to come…

‘D’ randomly initiates conversation with certain people, transferring my previous emotional attachments to them, almost as if it were a rebound effect.

Attitudes and reasons - introspection can lead to a behavioural change

Also behaviour can give us assumptions on our own internal state when we’re not too clear whats going on.

Whatever it is that happens after this. I’ll be more careful and not repeat mistakes again.

However I think personality ‘A’ is causing me to have dysfunctional attitudes and behaviour towards others… and I’m seemingly becoming increasingly isolated… ‘A’ seems to manifest itself under certain stress conditions…

Thank God for other friends in the meantime…

‘C’ shows itself in the quiet of my room, where I’m left with only myself…

‘B’ is still dominant when I’m asked about how I feel towards social causes, in CF, or during tutorial discussions about social frameworks to help special needs kids…

For that matter, I may sound like a Dissociative Identity Disorder(DID - also known as Multiple Personality Disorder) sufferer in this post. Except I still consider myself as one person, and each facade is just a part of how I’m coping with the situation now. yay.

Also because I’ve just read a book about DID for background reading - so points about DID are particularly salient in my mind now…

A 2x 2 x2 Factorial design with 3 factors and 8 conditions

2012-02-02T23:23:00.000+08:00

and that’s the first person today who mentioned it (out of the last 5 tutorials..)

Being an obnoxious know-it-all isn’t what I’ll usually want to do…

usually it involves someone catching me and telling me that I’m talking too much and me shutting up.

But I don’t really care anymore

At least I’m not useless and stupid and worthless.

I WANT TO STOP the stupid thoughts that keep cropping up..

Study hard indeed… I don’t need to right?…

Screw life and all the disappointments it likes to throw at me..

Yet I’m trying to move on and know life is more than this… help…

Starbucks… running around… in the effort to distract myself from everything...

Letting Go

2012-02-02T11:36:00.000+08:00

There are different seasons of life to go through.

Every seed must die before it grows

And if you really love, you must be willing to let it hurt you...

...and to let go when the time comes… (:

Enough to let me go - Switchfoot

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

D'you think you can find it?

2012-01-31T16:37:00.001+08:00

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you know where the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Abnormal Psychology

2012-01-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

"Love is a form of mental illness not yet recognized in any of the standard diagnostic manuals."

- Stuart Sutherland, Psychologist, 1989

Falling to pieces

2012-01-16T14:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes… life just feels like that...

Apathy

2012-01-15T05:06:00.000+08:00

Apathy is slowly taking over my whole life, in a bid to contain the emotional struggle within me and prevent it from killing me...

and nothing much seems to be helping, drowning myself in JCRC, studying,

and sin creeps in too… and nothing can satisfy… and the guilt kills after that...

God, you see my struggle, You see my thoughts, I can’t hide from You…

But help me find a way out of this mess… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…

The Eagle

2011-12-11T00:31:00.000+08:00

As I saw an eagle (or some large bird) soar across the Thai sky, the same way it did above the Nanyang Audi before the Stats Exam…
-
I recalled this verse:
-
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40: 28-31)

I don’t know how things are going to turn out

I don’t know if me being honest about my thoughts will end up pushing people away

I don’t know if I indadvertedly said or did things which didn’t come off well

But I know God will be with me, even if I get rejected and hurt by the people I trust…

Birthday wishes

2011-11-10T02:54:00.000+08:00

This post is kinda overdue - but yeah

Thanks for all those last week who made my 21st special:

to Jia’en, Shayne, Yi Ming - for the unexpected surprise after class at the HSS building, the cake/card, the lunch, you all really made my day (:

to the Block E people - thanks for the cake

to the Hall 3 29th JCRC - thanks for the cake and card

to GLOW (NTUCF CG) - thanks for the cake and card - even though Anna didn’t realise it was my birthday and asked me where to buy a cake ><

to Anna, Lawrence, Jiajun - for spending time with me late at night at Nanyang meadows to chill and chat

For every cake a got ( a total of 5 cakes ><) there always these tradition of 'making a wish' before blowing out the candles

I guess, I could always wish for a perfect GPA, getting the perfect GF, or any of those things which are important for a first year uni student as he wonders about the rest of his life.

But all these things don't really matter do they? even if I manage to get a GPA of 5 and get together with the girl of my dreams, it still has very little value compared to whatever God has intended for me.

I wish therefore, that God will reveal his purpose in my life more and more, and in whatever I do, I will be a blessing to the people around me… And I trust that whatever things else that matters, my ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams…. He will take care of it, in His time...

and so, as the exam break comes, I guess:

Lord teach me to trust in You more.

Teach me how to value myself and build my identity as Your child

And love other people the way You want me to.

and help me in my weakness, to depend on You more…

QR codes

2011-10-26T03:18:00.000+08:00

After playing around with QR codes, I realise they are pretty cool haha

Scenery

2011-10-22T00:22:00.000+08:00

After 2-3 months or so in the NTU Yunan Garden campus, walking around and exploring the place
-
there are plenty of nice places one can go for walks – from the Nanyang Lake to the park opposite the chinese heritage centre.
-
its nice to go for walks, soaking in the fresh air, thinking about things in general… learning all the different shortcuts around the place…
-

it’s nicer when there are friends to walk with though (: company is what makes a place beautiful…

The sharp knife of a short life...

2011-10-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

“Life is short…”
-
“thank God for each day He gives us...”
-

Thinking back at the past few months...
-
conversations, people, thoughts…

thats the way you are… smile…
-
No point worrying about tmr right?

I'm thankful

2011-10-14T00:58:00.000+08:00

things worked out so far (:
-

a week back, I tried to convince myself I didn’t really care either
-
but I realise I can’t…

JCRC Photoshoot

2011-09-30T00:00:00.000+08:00

About a month ago I remember asking around friends about a good place to do a formal photoshoot…

“ADM”
“they want somewhere in town”
“Orchard Central rooftop”

and after I did a poll with the rest
-
Orchard Central rooftop was the majority

Original plan was to go there around twilight and make use of the ambient lighting to take the photos… however due to a poor decision by Johnnie(VP) to take 502 express bus - we ended up rather late… was a good thing I took cab rather than 502 the previous day to get back to hall after the PVS OG outing
-
so twilight was out… we headed to the rooftop anyway
-
I decided to use my strobe + light stand + flash reflector/diffuser + colour filters which I bought in case
-

on the way up to the roof level
-
Winfred(President) asked me:
“So where do you want us to take the photo?”
“I’m not sure, go up and see”
“You mean you never come here before????”
“Yeah, my friend recommended this place… sh...”
“You sure can or not?”
“I trust my friend okay… I trust my friend…”
-
When we arrived to the breathtaking view - no one really had anything to complain about -
OC is probably one of the tallest buildings in orchard with an accessible rooftop…

as our original plan for twilight photos came to naught… we had to use flash anyway
-
One of them remarked
“I don’t really like flash”
-
The photo shoot took the better part of the next 2 hours - but it definitely was fun playing around with the off camera flash lighting options… it is definitely possible to achieve very natural lighting with a combination of flash diffusers and colour blending from different directions - no need to worry so much about ‘flash effect
-
anyway, more work for me I guess having to process more photos
-
it was definitely fun while it lasted - more fun than sitting around the dark part of scape listening to off-tuned guitars...

All is Fair in Love and War

2011-09-29T02:09:00.000+08:00

it’s interesting that you normally would ask a girl if she rejected a guy before
-
but you will probably ask a guy if he got rejected by a girl before
-

seems rather rare to find a guy rejecting a girl or a girl being rejected by a guy right?
-
somehow that doesn’t seem fair…

-
…If there's nothing worth saying, let's not bother...

Recess week

2011-09-23T13:33:00.000+08:00

which I’m not looking forward to
-
too much time alone, too much time to think
-

out of sight, out of mind
or
absence makes the heart go fonder

I’m not doing a 2-way factorial experiment on that…

The Existence of God

2011-09-19T18:22:00.000+08:00

“How do you know God exists”
-
Its an interesting question to ponder, and something I believe every Christian and one point of time in their lives should consider…
-
Christianity is a reasonable and rational faith, it doesn’t require one to blindly accept whatever ideas people throw to you. Rather we should always consider and know why we believe in certain things, and consider whether we think it is worth it.

“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.”
Luke 14 :28 - 32

First of all we cannot ‘prove’ that God exists simply by saying “because the bible says so” - that itself is committing a fallacy of begging the question.
-
As with scientific enquiry - we cannot ‘prove’ without doubt that a particular theory is true or false - it is ‘tentative’. We choose to accept knowledge as the simplest solution to answers - by making the least assumptions in our judgements - also known as ‘Occam’s razor’

Similarly while we cannot conclusively prove that God exists per se, we also cannot conclusively disprove the existence of God. It becomes the responsibility of the person to choose to weigh the choices and assumptions in each argument and make their own decision, or choose not to at all (like some agnostic ‘free-thinkers’)

Anyway there are a large number of arguments the typical Christian likes to produce to ‘prove’ the existence of God. Sadly many of these arguments are full of logical fallacies, or otherwise have an assumption or two. Similarly theories that ‘disprove’ the existence of God usually involve other assumptions as well.

C.S. Lewis’ argument on the basis of Christianity - also known as Lewis’s Trilemma, is probably one of the most well known and popular Christian logical arguments. Its interesting to note that C.S. Lewis, a highly intellectual person, was previously a staunch atheist prior to his ‘reluctant’ conversion to Christianity

In C.S Lewis’ Trilemma, he proposes this:

Jesus could either be:

A Liar

A Lunatic

Lord (i.e. God)

He cannot simply be just a ‘good man’ or teacher, because it wasn’t congruent with his teachings or behaviour in the bible.

If Jesus was a liar, its difficult to understand why a person would want to die for something he knew was a lie, it’s difficult to see how a person could be receive intrinsic or extrinsic reward to be motivated to die for a lie, dying itself goes again our biological instincts to survive. Not unless you propose Jesus was some sort a non-human creature from some alien race - would be a rather far-fetched assumption. Additionally it would be very hard to see how Jesus could possibly intentionally make effort to fulfil the large quantity of prophecies about him – unless you propose that the bible was re-written to accommodate him - not very likely as we have sources that predate Jesus.

If Jesus indeed was a lunatic, and was deluded about his teachings, its seems rather strange that his followers ( who called themselves Christians) be equally convinced about his deception - and allow themselves to die for a false cause after his death( since he would not have been resurrected). Even if they tried to cover up, stole his body and pretended he rose again, I would hardly see the disciples facing certain death under the Roman authorities holding on to something they knew was a lie.

Jesus claimed he was God. If he wasn’t lying or deluded about this claim, by deduction - he is God.

However C.S. Lewis’ argument is based upon one very important premise – the bible and other other historical sources of information we get about Jesus is reliable, and not merely just fictional constructions – to the point that Jesus becomes merely a legend - in the likes of King Arthur and the knights of the round table.

Nevertheless its a pretty safe assumption to assume the bible – crossed referenced to various other sources, is relatively reliable as a historical record. Secondly, if the bible is indeed a reliable source of information - are we able to interpret it in a manner that is reliable - is our transduction from the words in the bible to our cognitive perception of information reliable?
-

From a more personal level, I always wondered too, whether my belief was false, whether it was merely a delusion, whether I got conned into believing and accepting what people have told me about Christianity. But somehow I know there are always points in my life where I can remember being assured about the reality of God, and how at that particular point God seems so real, whether it be answering a prayer, giving me a ‘sense of peace’ about decisions, and comforting me in my distress.
-
it is a common experience among most Christians, we live with the assurance of a God who loves us deeply and will take care of us,
not in fear of angry idols who would cause calamity if we do not satisfy their demands,
nor the despair of a lonely world of entropy without the presence of God.

There is one argument popular among atheists - quoted from the 1st century BCE philosopher Lucretius:

Nequaquam nobis divinitus esse paratam
Naturam rerum; tanta stat praedita culpa

Which translates from latin to:
"Had God designed the world, it would not be
A world so frail and faulty as we see."

We wonder – if God is the same loving God claimed in the bible - why is there such pain and suffering in the world today? Why doesn’t he step in to do something about it?

Perhaps we can note that according to the bible:

God created the world to be perfect

God gave free will to men – the only creature to be created in His image

God is a righteous and just God, he cannot tolerate sin

Men rebelled against God - and this resulted in destruction and the problems we see all around us

God embarked on a ‘rescue plan’ to save men. He sent Jesus to fulfil the requirement of the law to be the sacrifice. He paid the price that had to be paid by us by dying himself.

We’re living in a world doomed for destruction, but God promises a new beginning beyond this age… in the right time so as many as possible can be brought to salvation.

God doesn’t promise a perfect world… and the world itself was made imperfect because of men’s rebellion. God will step in – but only in the end.

While these are just a tip of the iceberg with regard to the many theories to prove or disprove God and Christianity, God is real to me because I have experienced Christianity in my life - and it has been a very fulfilling and purposeful. Although I cannot say for sure that what I believe in is hundred percent true, I think its the best answer I have for life now…

Vanilla Twilight

2011-09-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

Everything seems crazier the more I think about it, yet somehow it’s the thought that counts right?

Interesting that Adam Young(owl city guy) also did a cover on Taylor’s Swift’s enchanted when he assumed Swift was writing about him…

Enchanted - Taylor Swift

2011-08-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

This, along with another song, has been stuck in my head for the longest time… stuck on my iTunes on repeat,

not yet my iPhone because I’m too lazy to sync my iPhone…

There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old, tired place lonely place
Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?" across the room, your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

The lingering question kept me up, 2 a.m., who do you love?
I wonder 'til I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say

It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that

This was the very first page, not where the storyline ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you

Testimonies in a Secular world

2011-07-02T05:09:00.000+08:00

I’ve to make a presentation(in a couple of hours) - a short one nonetheless, to a particular organisation known as S.P.A.R.K.
-
Society for the Promotion of AD(H)D Research and Knowledge

I’ve come a long way since then, years ago, where classmates had to pack bags for me,
where everyone commented I was living in a world on my own...
Where everywhere I went - people considered me a social outcast
-
Now I’m trying to run a few initiatives to help others who face the same thing
-
what they want to hear - is probably a story somehow of ‘hope’ - how did you overcome the problems you faced through the growing up years
-

My main idea would be then of self esteem and acceptance. No doubt as a child I always claimed to have high self-esteem, but I realise much later that it was merely a facade I put up as a defence mechanism. After all, ignorance and being oblivious to the world around is an effective way of shielding one’s self from the harsh reality out there, as is positive thinking
-
The question is, where can you find this ‘self-esteem’ and ‘acceptance’ ? I’m firmly convinced of this, that nothing in this world could ever satisfy a human’s need for love, and acceptance. Self-help books and secular existentialist philosophy may claim one has to work in ‘thinking positively’ - the kind of crap I’ve to teach during trainings - but it’s merely another defence mechanism to protect one’s self - as well as being a rip-off eastern religious philosophy.

Only God has the ability to heal our past hurts and disappointments, our desire for intimacy and acceptance...

Our identity in Christ is what defines us as a person - it’s what gives us ‘self-worth’, or better put, ‘Christ-worth’

Human ideas, acceptance by others can only work so far, people always disappoint, thats a matter of fact.

... All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades
when the breath of the LORD blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever....

(Isaiah 40:6-8)

...Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to Him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint....

(Isaiah 40:28-31)

Now the question is - how do I package it in a ‘secular’ manner without being overtly ‘christian’

As a off topic - photos from my 4th mission trip to Thailand:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/limexd/sets/72157626923296028/

More to come...

Polling day

2011-05-07T06:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday (cooling off day)

I took a bus yesterday that was crowded and smelly,

Had to endure a traffic jam,

Paid $1.7 (not cheap=( ) for my bus ride,

Bumped into an old man picking cardboard boxes.

Ran into a large mass of foreign workers after that.

Even so, I am blest to be a Singaporean, because elsewhere in the world,

People are paying much more to take a bus, (look at London, Sydney or any other developed country)

People pay much more than 7% GST - some pay up to 15% government tax

They wait longer in a jam(some up to a few hours, think about Bangkok, Shanghai, and quite a few other countries),

Many more are homeless and destitute, they sleep in the streets and beg for money, more so than here.
At least the old man picking cardboard has a job and a roof over his head.

Construction projects are left as empty shells simply because the contractors go bust due to lack of funds and manpower.
At least we have imported workers who can do the work to make Singapore a better place.

Touch your heart and ask yourself. Is Singapore under poor governance?
Or is it just a bunch of people brandishing slogans and relying on the number one pastime of Singaporeans - Complaining?

We need someone to listen to us, someone who isn’t arrogant and greedy.

But the opposition, please don’t go around grousing about the issues of cost of living, taxes, Foreign workers or social welfare.
Stop mudslinging the incumbents
We are much better off than almost everywhere else. You only lose credibility by saying all these.

Talk about how you can make Singapore a better place, Show us that it’s more than just talk.
Maybe in 5 years time, you will have my vote.

S-R-S cycle

2011-04-08T04:39:00.000+08:00

sometimes, you wonder what if there is a limit of the mercy of God in our lives...
-
Why do we keep a cycle of Sin -> Repentance -> Sin?
-
Doesn't repentance involve turning away from sin?
Yet if sin is 'pleasurable' isn't it a natural thing, in human hedonistic tendencies to gravitate towards it?

if we are new creations in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come
-
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Rom 7: 15)
-
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
(Romans 7: 21-25)

We cannot do anything by our own effort, our own strength
-
lest we keep falling into a cycle of sin
-
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”(Rom 8:1)
-
In my heart I want to be a person who does the will of God, who does what is pleasing to God
-
yet so many times I fail...
-
yet Jesus said, for every Lash on his back, for the nails that pieced him
-
for every sin and wrongdoing I ever done
-
“Father, forgive them.... For they know not what they are doing...”

Providence

2011-03-30T03:57:00.000+08:00

New website to display my um... photography portfolio
http://limepics.wordpress.com/

I’m wondering, after it all, I dunno if I can trust that I’ll be able to make it through everything out there
-
But I want to trust and believe that God will provide for me... in the months to come...

Poison

2011-02-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

what are the 2 things the world values the most?
-
money, relationships
-
yet Jesus tells us that unless we ‘hate’ these things, we cannot be His disciple

the first poison:
-
love of money has always been one of the many reasons why christians fall away. How many times have we heard about people who’ve “ wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” from that (1 Tim 6:10)
-

the second poison
-
again, relationships, as God meant it, was supposed to be the most beautiful and sacred gift He had. We know about how the love between a married couple is meant to symbolically portray the love of Christ for the church
-
but we’ve seen how relationships have destroyed the spiritual lives of many... as Paul warns about not being unequally yoked with unbelievers...
-

Money has never been a big deal for me... I never saw the value of having excess...
-
Relationships somehow though, have always been a place of intrigue and desire for me...
I desire a Godly person who could support me in my spiritual walk with God, who can be there for me, and yeah...
-
I’ve been through enough to know that unrequited feelings for another person is painful and traumatic...
-
and I’ve seen how its possible that a little gossip and hearsay can destroy a perfectly healthy friendship...

it comes to a point like this
-
I cannot carry the baggage of the past into the future , wherever God chooses to send me
-
I don’t want to be presumptuous and think I know who God intends for me
-
but honestly speaking, need I even need to worry about it? nothing much would make a difference if God has a purpose and intention for my life...
-
and I need to learn faith, patience in waiting, hoping in Christ
-
and to learn to trust and love Him more, and in and above everything...

B.B.

2011-02-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

Charles shared again - on discerning God’s will
-
it was like a confirmation like the millionth time,
what Glenn was talking to me about,
what Dorcas was talking to me about
-
the random weird dream I had ( which didnt come true anyway...)

-
well, anyway it gets to a point when it becomes freaky... but I get the point
-

God seems to be changing a lot of my expectations
-
I knew I had to burn down bridges, which I did, eventually
-
not the way I would have wanted to do it, but still better than nothing
-

after the BS we headed down to the airport... T3 this time - night time
-
at least I didn’t have to wait for an oversleeping Ian and pay $30 to take a night cab to T1 this time
-
XL made a comment, but strangely this time, it only caused me a slight annoyance, to the point of slight amusement
-
we said our farewells, said our bye byes
-
I sent my customary sms - out of habit , rather than of anything else
-
after all, who doesn’t wish to see each other again in the place where
‘we will worship Jesus , when He comes again?’

-
As I looked into what’s ahead, I realised I had a few choices:
-
base my choices on my inherent ambitions, - take a bio/med related field, and later choose between teaching/medicine
-
or do something I would never expect myself doing... taking a social science related field, in preparation for where God leads me to serve Him
-

and there comes the whole NUS/NTU related issue
-
for 2 years, I protested about applying to NTU... maybe it was a prestige and pride issue,
-
but I doubt I have much choice left...
-
but does it really have to take a realisation that 2 of my closest primary school friends are there to make me reconsider?

counting the cost

2011-02-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

As I looked through the green little book - in preparation for church staff model BAG
-
a book i read - 5 years ago as a Sec3 JY in GMC...

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple.

I made this mistake, once, twice, thrice
-
by placing human relationships above God
-

-
whatever it meant when I talked to Ding during BS about burning bridges
-
all is said and done
-
now its time to move on...
-

let Your will be done...

Fourteen Feb

2011-02-14T02:38:00.000+08:00

even if I don’t have anyone to give flowers to today

I want to remember

that God is Love

and we Love because He first Loved us

I remember singing this song during fireAC:

Once I thought the love of God was just for you and me.
Once I thought we were the only ones.
Now I know God's love can find all those from sea to sea;
And when it finds them, they become His sons.

His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine,
Softer than a sigh.
His love is deeper than the deepest ocean,
Wider than the sky.

His love is brighter than the brightest star
That shines every night above;
And there is nothing in this world
That can ever change His love.

Beauty

2011-02-13T02:11:00.000+08:00

Beauty is of the inside, not so much the outside
-
I’ve seen people change, they look better outside, but inside they also change, they become more worldly, they no longer are the same people I love and care for
-
and that, is the change that matters, not so much on how they change the way they treat me, but really the character and person they are
-

have I asked myself the reason why the change? yes I have
-
but I dont really care about the treatment so much, its really more of the change inside that makes me sad
-
foolishly I try to compromise my values and expectations,
but I cant keep doing it
and I shouldn’t
-
even if the person outside is more beautiful than when I first knew
I rather the person grows inside,

-
talking with an old primary school friend of mine today really helped a lot
-
She asked me these 2 questions:
‘how sure you are that she’s the one?’
‘what is so special about her?’
-
“she’s different, not like the other girls I know who cared more about external appearance, someone who is godly, mature and good natured’
-
but as I look at everything... that was long ago... things have changed,
-
I rather be with a person who wont drink anything other than root beer,
than be with a person who is worldly, who desires to be involved in a council of drunkenness and sin
-
I don’t want to compromise my morals anymore...

and finally:
-
‘its not so much our business to question and insist on finding out what is God’s plan for us, its really more of our job to trust in Him that He is in control, and follow and discern’

positive dreaming

2011-02-10T11:54:00.000+08:00

something echos my sentiments
-

but it’s about this
-
commit it though prayer
-
its not about trying to reason everything that happens out..
-
He will make all things beautiful in His time...

-
even if the response is not what you’d get in the dream
-
but at least it was a moment of catharsis

Serenity

2011-02-09T06:52:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

-
knowing there are a few things I cant change
-
like the fact I’m not going to UNSW medicine
-
like the fact I can’t do much about certain situations
-

-
but God... help me to trust in you.... and commit everything that matters in my life to you....

nothingness

2011-02-09T06:35:00.000+08:00

“meaningless! meaningless!“ says the teacher. ”everything is meaningless“ (Ecc 1:2)
-
to many it may be their idea of fun
-
after all being under the influence of CH3CH2OH that allows you to skip the normal mental barriers and stuff seems like something worth doing
-

but in retrospect... I conclude this
-
on one hand attempting to drink a lot just for the sake of trying to show off to another person that you can drink is a stupid idea
-
attempting to reduce rationality to a point that you can admit certain emotions and feelings to another person is even stupider
-
but the point is this... I realise very simply
-
at the root of it all... in a state when everything is in a blur
-
I found myself thinking of 2 things...

-
in my life
-
there are only 2 things that really matter to me
-
God
-
and someone else... whom I probably have to let go soon...
-
I remember being pushed off.... so I guess it doesn’t matter...
-
sigh...

Humility

2011-02-03T00:14:00.000+08:00

One aspect about the ministry of Jesus is this, while He was on earth, He never went about declaring that He was a King.
He was a humble servant leader, who could approach John the Baptist to be baptised... who could wash his disciple’s feet like a servant

in the same way

in church ministry

even if I know I’m good at something

and I know how to do it right

head knowledge wise

it still means I need to learn to submit to the decisions of others whom I may view as less effective

it still means even if I’ve been a mentor and leader in ministry elsewhere

I still need to start from ground zero, and cannot carry over my experiences like a CV

I still need to place myself under the mentorship of other people even if I feel that I am capable of mentoring other people as well...

I wonder, how does that translate when I assume the job of youth intern in church? When I need to lead and plan a number of programmes?

Does it translate to people putting trust and credibility in me simply because I’ve been given the responsibility and mandate?

which is why... it is so difficult when one transits from being a leader in another ministry before moving on to the next season that God’s calls ....

Curriculum vitae

2011-02-02T10:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I was do what paul calls foolish boasting(2 Cor 11)...

but anyway disclaimer... I shall allow myself to ‘secularise’ my service to God for this blog post...
at no point of time should that reflect the view of a humble christian (:

Name: Emil Ng
Date of salvation: Apr 2002

Ministry experience:
Experienced worship leader who has led worship in countless different occasions since October 2005. Lead in both band and solo settings, also in impromptu and prepared settings. Provided daily worship services for morning school revival ministry for 2 years. Lead with various instruments, including guitar, electric, keyboard, and no instrument. Led various prayer meetings and groups in worship, both locally and overseas.

Did various mission trips to Thailand where I gave classes to thai children as well as organised various outreach programmes

Boys’ Brigade Officer and student leader who mentored and guided various youth in their christian walk.

Bible knowledge:
Attended alpha course in Jan 2005. Read the whole bible once through following that around december. Underwent intensive BB bible study programme with in-depth book study of the word since 2007.

its easy for me to say:
“I probably might have ‘more bible knowledge’, ‘more experience in worship ministry(not in regard to technical skill)’ than a number of people who serve in church as leaders”

But thats never the point of christian ministry... the point of christian ministry is to have a humble and contrite heart, willing to serve where God calls you, willing to submit to authority (which include leaders in church).

But I begin to wonder, if so, what if I want to contribute positively to the growth of a ministry directly...

God I am willing... send me... if it is Your will...

being allowed by Glenn to lead was something... I thought it would be a step in fulfilling my calling as a worship leader
(which I told the ministry leader many time long ago, but no action)
-
I decided to work with Grace Star... I saw the need, and I was willing to do anything... even if it meant doing something which not many of the other leaders and musicians I know would not be willing to do...
-
well, see how... In Your time...

Worship

2011-02-01T00:06:00.000+08:00

Romans 12:1-2(ESV)
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Isaiah 58:6-7 (ESV)
"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

These 2 passages dawned upon me, as I sat there, waiting at the bus stop for 961

A man came stumbling to the bus stop. He wore no shoes or sandals on his feet. He had a deranged look on his face... everyone around shunned him

He started picking dead leaves from the floor....

I sat there... wondering what I could do for this man...

He stood at the edge of the road.... then he walked on it and towards the traffic

I called out... he looked at me... I beckoned him to step back on the pavement

I asked him where he was going... he mumbled unintelligible words...

‘Do you speak english’ I asked.... more unintelligible words...

.... then 961 arrived. I boarded, and left this man behind...

I began to wonder if I should have brought him to a police post or something so someone could take care of him...

Many times we worship from an area of comfort, an area of security...

what do we sacrifice when we simply go to church on a sunday morning, lift up songs... and simply go away after that?

isn’t worship about our lives? about how we can live for Him,

about how we can obey Him when it is difficult?

about how we can give up our rights for the sake of our brother or sister?

about how we should actively choose to honour our parents even when its hard?

about how we should surrender our lives to Him and obey him, even if it means giving up on what we hold dear in our lives?

about changing the world around us? and showing His love

I, as a mere person alone,
am not ready to lead worship...

I can only let God use me...
and I can only depend and rely on His strength...

otherwise I’ll simply be going through the motions

and thus not be anything more than ‘resounding gong or a clanging cymbal’(1 Cor 13:)
because without love, without God empowering us, our service to Him is nothing...

Theology

2011-01-31T02:06:00.000+08:00

This week...

Ps Leow’s sharing with the youth:
Theology is more defined by understanding through faith,
we can only go so far with logically reasoning, but we need God in order to take that step into believing

Matthew:
we know that God is a God of love and all that, but many times we forget that God is more than that... God is also a God who is all-powerful...

Glenn - on romans 8:
“There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Ps Andy - on 1 Samuel:
Both Saul and David had barriers and obstacles to overcome... but the difference was in their attitude towards God... Saul was still concerned about himself, even after he was rebuked by Samuel. David however was said to be a man after God’s heart

despite all that has happened thus far, disappointments and such
-
I know God has a plan and purpose for my life on earth
-
help me have faith God....

The Over Rated Day*

2011-01-28T03:11:00.000+08:00

when you finally cross over to the other side of freedom that everyone was talking about

you realise its no big deal...

what might have been better would be spending my first dinner with a pink IC

the same way I spent my first book out from tekong

rather than just sitting around superdog in vivo and eating alone...

I thank God for how He’s brought me through these 2 years

the ups and downs

honestly speaking

I wonder if the truth would make any difference at all...

if I said to myself I wanted to come out clean before uni

and move on...

even if it meant that much to me...

medicine, not in NUS, not in UNSW, then in where?

or something else?

*title courtesy of stephanus - from FB

Days beyond the 1 yr 10mths

2010-11-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

its almost time before I end this season of my life, couple 2-3 more months
-
while most have already done it and collected back the legendary pink ICs
-
but either way... perhaps at this juncture, I’ve come to realise something
-

I’ve learnt more to be alone these few months...
partly because I’m not willing to open up to most of my church friends,
-
partly because most the the closer guy friends i have in SG seem like robots, devoid of any emotional capacity,
consistently in pursuit of ‘rationality’
(while I know yes they have feelings, but I guess its a sad guy mentality that one needs to hide his emotions)
-
partly because all the people I trust and confide in are overseas... partly because uni life seems to suck everyone into it
-

I really appreciate these people who have been there for me during my army life in on way or another
-
In no particular order
-
Tim
Petrina
Charles
Marc
Amanda

Tina
Ding
Christina

John
Dan
XL

Rach
Joyce
Melissa

During BMT:
Lamzy
Kenneth lee
James

OETI:
Jeremy

3AMB:
Sean Tan
Shawnrick
Yongshen

Regulars:
ME2 Ben
ME3 Lim
ME4 Jhon

it seems rather sentimental,
the way I write these kind of appreciation lists ( which I guess a few of you who might read my blog or FB notes might stumble upon)
-

one more step closer

2010-11-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

I applied on time
-
interview on
191110, 1400hrs (UTC +11)
-

God knows my heart
-
but I don’t even know mine anymore

我不知道怎麽想

Secrets

2010-11-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing that we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

20 years, of blessings and sorrows, thank You for taking care of me thus far

but life cant be a series of coincidences without intention

I can be so honest about everything to you
except this thing...

yeah I’m not the same as another irritating guy am I?

but its been hard to straighten out my thoughts for the past 4 years

for my birthday now, I wish that God will make a way , unless it is not His way...

medicine, church, relationships,

everything that matters to me...

Apps

2010-10-07T01:40:00.000+08:00

2 Choices
-
trying and potentially getting disappointed, one way or another
-
not trying, wondering , & regretting
-

intentions are important
-
but I shall:
-
Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. (Ecc 11:9)

okay I dont know whether to feel:

2010-08-25T03:34:00.000+08:00

hurt about being left out
-
disappointed
-
or just plain indifferent...
-

I have other friends whom I don’t consider as close
-
who at least bother about me... even without me asking to
-

okay maybe I should just not bother looking at facebook
-
at least what I dont know wont hurt me

-
then again perspective wise
-
maybe you’d think I have really no right? i dont really know
-
okay let me rot through the rest of my life, I’m done with trying too hard ...

Inception

2010-08-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

“The most dangerous thing is an idea that takes hold in someone’s mind.”
-

Watching this movie with the usual crowd, the 3 girls, XL, chng, and charles (who graciously provided the tickets) as well as nick
-
it was interesting on how the whole movie revolved around the ideas of subconscious and dreams... in particular how Cobb(played by Leonardo Di’carprio) was fighting with his own guilt which consistently haunted his subconscious

but yes I have recurring dreams of the same nature, since the start of IB
-
not so much of guilt, but more of insecurity.... which could manifest itself in bouts of creepy paranoia..

I had yet another dream

2010-07-19T10:17:00.000+08:00

it was the same place as yesterday, same arrangements, same room, same people
-
except Charles was there where Tim sat
-
and he seemed to make a couple of remarks which made us pretty awkward
-

but sometimes, in spite of stuff
-
even if its awkward, I sometimes wish it was true
-
I wish things wouldn't drift apart so easily =/
-
why ='(

I guess one needs to deal with emotions in a mature and logical manner,
-
I guess one also need to know when to move on...
-
but not yet, not yet....

make time

2010-07-15T21:24:00.000+08:00

someone I know told me this
-
‘in life, there’s really no such thing as being too busy... we are all given the same amount of time
just whether you’re willing to make time for a friend... ‘
-

I'm always willing...
... to make time to do things to make you happy (hopefully lol)
... to make time to sit at a bench outside a basket ball court at chevrons to wait for the exact time to press the send button
... to make time to travel down to whitley after work just to pass something along
... to make time to pray for you while you are away
... to make time to wake up early, to find my way there even if a friend has forgotten
... to make time to sit down and write and think...

just like how you were willing...
... to make time to listen to my silly problems
... to make time to stand up for me when others were mean
... to sit out at a mcdonalds waiting for me and watching me eat even though you had dinner at home
... to put up with a sometimes annoying, irritating, immature me

time really flies I guess

we all grow up... and moved on to different phases in our lives

but I do know something..

God is always willing to be there for us... all the time...

and thats the greatest assurance we all have... (:

Marc told me this
sometimes we need to remove ourselves from situations that might lead to us being socially awkward
-
Tim told me this:
that in many things, we need to give people time, people time to change, we need to be patient in loving one another.
-

time is something we don’t really understand
-
but I think its in not understanding, that we learn to have faith in God who transcends time...

CD reviews

2010-07-14T23:21:00.000+08:00

My ratings for the CDs I just bought over the week at TP .. haha

Passion: Awakening -> (4.3/5)
- Love the opening track(awakening - Chris Tomlin) which hasn't been released elsewhere...
- These songs really speak out the cry of a generation desperate for God.

tobyMac - Tonight -> (3.7/5)
- This being the first album from tobyMac I bought... so I’m not too familiar with his other albums
- The R&B style is cool, but not exactly to my taste...
- I like the track City On Our Knees though

MercyMe - The Generous Mr Lovewell -> (4.7/5)
- Lighthearted and catchy songs, done in a way that really lifts the spirit up (:

Hillsong -The Beautiful Exchange -> (4.1/5)
- On first hearing, it feels like a typical Hillsong album,
- Similar to the trend of the past few albums, largely guitar and effect synth/ pad driven..
- Closer hearing however allows me to appreciate the album more...
- Some of the lyrics are pretty meaningful too, esp. the title track (which is also extremely long - 10:43)

what ifs

2010-06-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

last words - various artists
then you must show me your new.... friend... must be cute okay, not like...
-

-----------------
-
hypothetically if that happened...
-
I mean I try to convince myself
-
that everything would be alright ...
-
that I’ll just say the cliche of ‘its all in God’s will’ and therefore I’ll be thankful and give thanks to God
-

-----------------
-
but maybe in reality
-
maybe I would be crushed beyond measure
-
maybe I would just fall into a trap of cynicism
-
and maybe...

-----------------
-
there really isn’t any point of thinking about it now
-
I found myself thinking about what I am not
-
I’m not perfect, more imperfect than so many other people
-
maybe it’s just another form of discouragement
-

-----------------
-
seasons in life come and go
-
circumstances don’t make sense so many times
-
we all fall short of what we could be
-
but I guess
-
everything works by the grace of God... only He can piece together all the broken pieces of life
-
So I pose a question
-
God is this really a thorn in the flesh meant for me to endure, so I can truly say that Your grace is sufficient for me, and You power is made perfect in my weakness?
-
or it’s a test of time? a test of how much I’m willing to change, to learn, to grow in maturity...

-----------------
-
maybe I should just listen to advice a close, precious friend of mine told me... 2 years ago
-
‘why do you still hang on to some hope when you know there's practically none?’
-
‘and yeah just look forward to pure friendship i guess’
-
‘it’s better than nothing’
-
‘cos well if there's some element of hope’
-
‘then of course it's worth hanging on to that feeling (maybe) ‘
-

so is there hope, at all? i wonder...

Fruit

2010-06-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
(Galatians 5:16-26)
-

________________________
Reading this passage again, after a night of tears, of wrestling with God, of everything I heard from Marc, from sitting opposite Trevose at a park... from fighting with myself while watching buses after buses pass me by
-
this passage frightens me...
-
how many times do ‘christians’, my friends, myself,

engage in malice, hatred... ?

have selfish ambitions for our own gain?

put things before God, whether it is our comfort, our pleasure, our processions, our relationships, which constitute idolatry?

indulge in drunkenness and wild parties?

________________________
if we do , even just a bit, we cannot inherit the life that God has promised us, we cannot meet him because we are not holy... and anything which isn’t holy cannot stand before the presence of God
-
if we do, we’re no better than the ‘assistant cell group leader’ of a liberal church movement, whom I heard a certain friend of mine talk about with regard to his promiscuous behaviour...
-

________________________
Sin is sin...
-
there is no such thing as a lesser sin or greater sin... God hates sin, there isn’t a difference between big or small...
-

________________________
I have heard of people who tell me about how everything is fine, they justify sin by making less of it, by saying its about drawing the line,
-
but if we really are saved, if we have Christ in us as the ruler over our lives...
-
we would have ‘crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires’
-
and the question no longer becomes about ‘where to draw the line, and how to go as close to it as possible with stepping over’
-
but about whether we glorify God in our actions... or dishonour his name

________________________
this really is a wake up call for me...
to pray
ask God for forgiveness
ask God to give grace
-
and ask that God will restore all of us who have fallen into the trap of a worldly lifestyle

________________________
-
somehow I’ve been putting certain things in my life above my walk with God
-
its not about compromising values to fit in,
-
not about trying to do everything to be appreciated and to be able to enjoy the company of a certain friend
-
sigh... I need forgiveness... I’m so sorry...

and I don't know why, I cant keep my eyes off you...

2010-06-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

its 3am
-
I wonder why should I get so upset over a small matter like this...
-
but I guess... yeah...

everything is beautiful...

gravity

2010-05-09T10:46:00.000+08:00

a force that pulls each of us down to earth
-
I think...
it’ll be time
for a reality check
sooner or later
sigh...

responses to the question

2010-05-09T04:59:00.000+08:00

everyone says a variety of different things, or same things in a similar way:
’...tell...’
-
‘wait and see lor’
-

they all tell me that it won’t make much difference
if the answer is different
-
but yeah... I guess its a thought...
-
if I expect too much from a friend...
-
if i missed you too much...
-
if i had depended on you too much...
-
too much for my own good anyway...
-
.`

Charles shared about
-
friendships and relationships built upon Christ
-
something we should treasure the most...
-
and i do treasure ...
more than many things in life...

Thank God its friday

2010-04-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

http://cdn2.libsyn.com/mb/tmbs-060707-thank_god_its_friday.mp3

-
‘nuff said...

Love is waiting

2010-04-12T19:44:00.000+08:00

A song by Brooke Fraser...:

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you are mine...

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Looking at circumstances around
-
look before you leap
-
wait for God
-
to make everything beautiful in its time...

sleepwalks

2010-03-29T12:32:00.000+08:00

the first played upon my feelings of inadequacy as a young BB officer with little experience...
-
the second.
was a random wandering upon the corridors of ACS
it seemed as if though it was some random bday surprise for me (although it was highly unlikely since my bday fall upon a non-school day)
-
but it seemed like nothing to me
-
it was opposite at block B facing the Clock tower
-
sitting and waiting... ...
-
a few brief moments...
-

the alarm rings - time to go to work
sigh...
-
I guess I’ve been thinking much about stuff... looks like they also like to invade my dreams
-
I wish...
-
but how true it is
that it is not so much the grandeur that matters
-
but the sincerity...
sigh...

March

2010-03-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

Recently, or perhaps for a long time really, slowly and surely, life has been sort of reduced to a sort of routine:

weekdays - NS NS NS NS
Weekends - BB, CHURCH MINISTRIES, FRIENDS ETC
-
there’s been so much its so hard to squeeze God inside... although I still remember one of the many school devotions that was shared by Alistair Su (Year 9)
-
“it is not just about putting God first, its also about putting God 2nd, 3rd, 4th... in everything”
-
yes maybe I’ve been reflecting on God and His work in my life, throughout the week
-
but there isn’t moments, where I could truly sit down, reflect and take time to be still before God
-
No QT, no FireAC, no spiritual retreat,
-
no recharge, burnout...

somehow a lot of people like to put emphasis in serving God - the more spiritual one is if they do more things for God
-
but this is a lie... I have so busy trying to do too many things for church and BB, and trying to spend time with non-christian and christian friends alike, trying perhaps in my conversations to bring more people to think about the gospel and God, of life and its meaning...
-
yet I dont feel spiritual at all, I dont feel as if I can feel God closely by my side like I used to....
-

yet another thing, about my friendships with a few particular people who have always been there for me in the past, but somehow it become a case where:
-
they’re busy with life elsewhere in the world, be it in cambridge or mcgill, doing life, being busy with sch.
it being difficult to convey my own struggles via packets of internet data(the only means of conversation) with them.
Somehow many times I feel so insecure ... its like I’m always scared that I encroach upon people’s space... after all they have their own life to attend to, why would they be bothered with me?
-
sigh I wish they would come back soon... but oh well
-

was at St James Powerstation the other day, was invited by Han an (who had won free tickets) to watch a gig by Alarice and some of my other church mates who were her musicians
-
somehow her music has always been inspiring and uplifting... even as I got my second autographed album from her...
-
but as she did talk about her own song writing journey
-
but I remember I myself, I used to write my own songs, a year back so to speak
-
but somehow I lack the inspiration to pen down more songs... its at if my experiences of God, of life, all lie in the past
-
but how do I rediscover God again?
-

in the past, it was struggling with competing loves, but loving another who didn’t love back is a different issue anyway
it was as if the pain of being rejected would draw me closer to God
-
but I don’t have to think so much of the past
this is now, this is my life, a life which can do so many things
the challenge now is not so much of a trial
but merely the danger of monotony consuming me...
-
I also have another question
would uprooting myself from all my ministries in Singapore
and starting anew somewhere else...
hopefully somewhere I still have familiar people to depend on
and perhaps that could open a new chapter with my spiritual walk with God
-
or is there another motive for doing so? sigh...

Thoughts of religious harmony

2010-02-16T11:15:00.000+08:00

Following the incident regarding Ps Rony Tan’s interview with the buddhist converts - and the subsequent controversy, media blow up and apology, I have a few thoughts
-
Firstly respect is important, for obvious reasons. The Bible did tell us to set a good testimony for the gentiles to see... hence I guess posting sensitive clips on the web(a public domain where many other ppl not of the faith can see) is not a wise idea.
-
Secondly , and also something I believe strongly , ‘Religious harmony’ and true Christianity is NOT compatible. I feel rather disappointed with Ps Rony having to bend under pressure and promote our government’s agenda.
-
Religious tolerance is not an issue, Christians can live among other non-Christians without riots and stuff. We can still display our beliefs without mocking others.
-
However the idea of religious harmony, where everyone starts accepting each other beliefs (i.e. Your God is okay for me, my God is okay also, all the same God) is total heresy.
Inter-religious events that the government promotes should not be supported.
We cannot accept the beliefs of other religions and so called ‘respect’ them because we know in our hearts that they are all false religions. We ourselves know that Jesus is the only true way to God, and it is our responsibility to preach the gospel to as many as possible so as to bring more into His Kingdom. We will fail in our duty as Christians if we decide to tell everyone all religions lead to the same God, same values etc.
-
We are not Buddhists who believe in truth that is pragmatic and subjective (e.g. all that matters regardless of which way we go, whatever god we follow, as long as I can break out of karma and attain enlightenment thats all the matter)
-
I’m not downplaying the beliefs of others, but I’m merely pointing out the differences.
-
Christianity, Judaism and Islam however is different because each of these 3 believe in empirical objective truth that has only one way. We believe that there is only one true God and all other gods are false. Christianity believes there is only one true way to heaven, and that is through repentance, and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.
-
Christianity by itself is meant to be hateful to the world. The Gospel is noted to be a stumbling block and foolishness (1 Cor 1:23), Jesus said that he has not come to bring peace but a sword (Matt 10:24).
-
Christians in the past have been persecuted by the authorities for their faith. Many will quote Romans 13 to me with regard to submitting to authorities. This however does not mean with submit our faith and moral beliefs as dictated by authorities. We believe that while submitting to authorities include serving NS, obeying the law of the country etc., it definitely does not include moral or faith based issues. For instance we do not support the government’s agenda of promoting the IR casino. Hence we cannot also support the Government’s ‘religious harmony’ issue blindly without considering it’s terms.
-
These are my thoughts so far. I have been as frank as I can be, while trying to be sensitive, and sincerely hope no one gets offended.

11:9

2010-02-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.
-
Ecc 11:9
-

Stop and Stare

2010-01-28T23:30:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onOTaGayhU4

I’m think I’m moving but I get nowhere...
-
sometimes it seems this seems to be the case
-
where am I one year away from the past?
-
I’ve moved away from what I thought was precious in the past
-
I see...
but its gone away; too far away
-

if life is really a lot about finding fulfilment - at least from the view of the secular, hedonistic man...
-
so say I thought computer games were the thing that was fulfilling - sec3,4
-
I thought being with somebody whom I liked was considered fulfilling - year 5,6
-
but I realised everything so wrong about it, why it wont work, why it was a good thing it wasn’t mutual...
why everyone kept telling me off
-
so if something makes sense yet no sense to me...
so if dan comments on why I can readily accept the flaws of one but not another...
-

its difficult to make out how I feel about stuff...
-
since I’ve more or less alone when it comes to my inner emotions and feelings, I never share them with anyone anymore...
-
I know God knows... but
-
I need to take comfort from that...
-
that He makes all things beautiful
-
in His time... ...

I need to stop procrastinating about applying to NUS
-
I know I cant get the first choice I want - no med/dentistry
-
I know I shouldn’t go overseas... no matter how tempted I am to apply to a far far place at the other side of the globe
-
sigh.... =/

Fwd: Christ is the Reason for Christmas - Pass it on

2009-12-25T22:55:00.006+08:00

Email from Zhuo'er which I got
-
Although its nothing much new - I remember getting this a few years back,
but it's still worth sharing.

-----------------------------

Hello,

You will be surprised how many people doesn't know the real meaning of Christmas….so pass this on…and dun 'X' out Christ for 'Xmas'…Proclaim the real meaning of Christmas is what we need to doJ

Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.

JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh

JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year

JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies

JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited

JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa

JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap

JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"

JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly

JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO

JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"

JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys

JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but

JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree

JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.

We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.

We need to put Christ back in Christmas.

Jesus is still the reason for the season.

May the Lord Bless and Watch over you and your loved ones this Christmas 2009

And may He prosper and bless the work of your hands in the New Year.

With Lots Of Love,

For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
~Romans 8:38-39

snippets of many thoughts of Christmas

2009-12-24T23:57:00.005+08:00

recently I’ve not been posting much here

well I could say it for a number of reasons. The main on being that I cant do justice to my thoughts in the form of a blog

and the second is that I cant say everything I would want to say here

-----------------------

nevertheless

on Christmas eve

again I pose this question

why do people only want to celebrate Xmas - leave Christ out of the picture

substitute the divine glory and wonder, and profound mystery of Christ

for the cheap, worthless myth of ‘Santa Claus’

We know Santa Claus is a nice figure, a supposed old man who spreads cheer and gladness and love during Christmas

But isn’t Christ so much better, and so much more real?

Christ is the expression of God’s incomparable, incomprehensible love.

Christ is the greatest Gift from God to mankind.

No number of santa presents or anything could have been greater as God’s gift to save the world from the reality of sin and hell. To make a way to heaven through the Gift of His son

Yet we see the gospel, the good news of Christ being substituted for a mere myth. Or simply just the less important things like shopping, trees, parties...

Like the expression of casting pearls to swine. We present the greatest story and gift to mankind, yet men, in their blind depraved state cannot understand , and simply fling Christ out of the window.

“Leave religion out of it” says man,

“Christ is irrelevant to Xmas of today. We just want to hear the ‘good stuff’, we want Santa, gifts, presents, shopping, partying, merrymaking, fun”

“but we don’t want Christ”

hence my utter disappointment with the whole 3AMB Christmas event, in which i was involved as the organising commitee.

I would have gladly forfeited any Off-in-lieu, even to the extend of sigining extras...

if only Christmas could be celebrated the way it was meant to be celebrated,

if only people heard and knew about how special Christ was to Christmas...

-----------------------

its even the same with easter

I remember during one of the dry run rehearsals, the emcee who did an intro about the 32FMD skit

“Now we would like to invite 32FMD up to stage, who will be giving us the topic of ‘Easter’”

“bunny come on stage, bunny come off stage, end of skit”

we deny Christ for yet another myth

-----------------------

Another thing I guess is that this year I wont be giving specific presents/cards to people

for the very reason that I cant give one to people I would really want to give to because they’re special to me

sigh, I still miss you a lot...

-----------------------

and I guess finally I would like to do a bit of promotion for an upcoming event I’ll be involved in:

Undignified 2010 - a Worship event

http://www.undignifiedasia.com/

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=186572712670

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfWGLcPHIJM&feature=autofb

bitter, sweet, sorrow, joy

2009-11-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

we see that ever so evident in the Christian walk
-
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
(2 Cor 5:1-5)
-

we have hope and rejoice because of what He has done for us, and we know we have hope for eternity, a heavenly dwelling which cannot be destroyed
-
but we suffer while down here on earth, we do not know what tomorrow brings, be it poverty, loneliness, burdens, separations
-

somehow this song - even while sung in mandarin today at Marc’s grandfather’s wake
-
nearly brought tears to me
-
I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.
-

we look to eternity, the tomorrow we cannot see
-
but we know our lives are held in His hand, His plans
-

so with regard to everything
be in university studies (NO CHARLES, I AM SO NOT DOING ACCOUNTANCY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ACCOUNTANCY IS NOT COOL)
or in relationships
in anything else in the future, career, God’s calling
-
I know He knows best
-
I guess thats all I need to know
even as I know God has called me to impact the world I live in
-
even as it begins small, with me..

ATT C

2009-11-10T10:08:00.000+08:00

taking this for the very first time since I enlisted
-
excessive tiredness =/

either way after being busy non-stop over the last few weeks, I guess its a good sabbatical
-
being able to rest at home and enjoy the comfort of my bed and sleeping in....
-
prob wont ever be doing this again anyway... unless I fall really sick...
-
since the last few times I was sick I still went to camp either way...
due to having to do stuff under my job scope...
-

well I guess I finally can get to do stuff I couldn’t find time to do for a long time
-
1. write a letter and visit the post office(near my house) to post a letter overseas
2. Practice on my piano a bit
3. Pray and meditate a bit
4. REST at home
-
Army stuff:
1. burn 2Lt Jhon’s REACH dvds
2. Do up the ducktours presentation ( canceled)
-

either way yeah
-
recently there’s been so much to post on this blog
but not enough time to reflect upon the things to be said
-
the struggles of sin and temptation
-
the outing on sat which left me very drained and struggling to fight something within me
-
but I guess I’ll think about it...
-
sigh =/

'emil lenses'

2009-10-23T21:21:00.000+08:00

do I look through things in a limited perspective
-
through my ‘emil lenses’ so to speak
-
not the bigger picture
-

-------------------
but in the end
aren’t we supposed to live our lives in the light of God
-
see things in the way God sees them
open our eyes to see what God wants for us
-
live a life grounded by faith in the Word of God
and live out a life which shows that
-

-------------------
people say they tell me these things
-
for my own good
for the good of the people under my sphere of influence
-
and they’re perfect in every way, more worthy of being part of their ministries
-
at least while compared to me
who has been in the lowest of places
been the worse of sinners and disgraced the name of God
-
‘but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more’
-
its by the very fact
when we say God makes foolish the wisdom of the wise
-
we judge things from this perspective
-

-------------------
-
So by saying I shouldn’t be in this ministry
are they saying it from their lens?
or the lens that God has given them, (wise christian council???)?
-
because if they say so
they’re saying God made a wrong choice
in letting me be here
-
So who am I to believe?

-------------------
But still
we should always remember this in the ministries God puts us in:
-
(Philippians 2:1-11)
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Sand Castles

2009-09-27T00:59:00.000+08:00

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27
-

I was reminded of a Switchfoot song, ‘Gone’
-
Life is more than money, time was never runny.
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills.
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
-
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?

what we build our lives on is important...
-
if we based our lives on now, on worldly wealth and riches, of careers
or worldly relationships, on acceptance
even of family
-
these things don’t count towards eternity...
‘the 2 biggest things a christian faces
one is persecution
the other is seduction by the world... christians normally can face the former, but many fall with the latter ’
(Charles)
-
we end up losing our first love for God
over something else much less significant
-
compared to basing our lives upon eternity
and living each day for Him
-
so we can stand together in the end of time and worship Him
and there is nothing that can compare to the joy that comes from that
-
where God..
...will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
(Rev 21:3-4)
-
we do know that like in the parable
where the guy builds his house on the ‘ROCK’
in which he has to work very hard to chisel away at the rocks to lay his foundation
-
likewise leading a life based to following Jesus and His gospel is not easy
-
compared to the guys who can easily construct his house on sand,
and like how after the tsunami, these houses get washed away
-
hence the former is a better choice, better than something temporal

many times I build my life upon many insignificant things
-
it was once upon computer games
upon getting the highest score
upon winning every game
and ‘pwning’ every opponent to get the ‘holy sh*t BEYONG GODLIKE’ kill streak
-
after that it was upon being accepted by a girl whom I really loved a lot
and even to base my life upon doing things to make her happy and comfortable
at the expense of everything else
-
but I come to realise that after all
everything will pass on in the end
-
but God remains faithful...
and He’s the one I should base my life upon
not anything else
-

People

2009-09-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

Listing down a few people:
Petrina C
Tim
Amanda
Leemin
Daniel
XL
Kenneth
Evelyn

Fireac Juniors:
Zhuoer
Tina
Felicia
Pet L
Jayne
-

all of you in one way or another are special to me
in the sense of friendship, in the sense of how you have inspired me to grow closer to God
or grow as a person
-
I know life goes on, we’ll eventually find other people in our lives to fill up
but I do hope we’ll still keep in touch somehow
and even if we don’t and distance ourselves
I hope and pray we can remain united in Christ
and learn to love Him more each day
that we may worship Him together
when He comes again
-

I guess we’ll all be exposed to different cultures and experiences throughout our lives
-
But I do hope we all will be able to make the right decisions... to flee from temptations and sin
and pursue righteousness in Him...
-
hate the sin that is in this world... the sins of drunkenness, of sexual immorality, and of pride,
which is always too common for people in our generation...
-
value God above all, above relationships,
above acceptance by peers, above self, and above worldly wealth
-

just a few thoughts... for all the people whom I do love dearly in one way or another...
-
For the Y6s...
I wish you all the best for IB =) and your future endeavours
-
for Petrina, Tim and Evelyn
I pray you continue to love God and grow in Him even while overseas,
and not become consumed by work or assimilate into any sort of ungodly culture over there...
and make a difference in the live of the different people you meet over there.
and to find comfort from knowing Him in times of loneliness.
-
for the NS guys
I pray you find joy in serving the Lord while in NS
-

November rain...

2009-09-19T21:31:00.000+08:00

“if emil. i read your blog post. november 17 ? did that really happen? you know the day that it rained. and you came out to get me”
(an sms I got on 13-01-2009, while I was doing a medical attachment in SGH)
not like it matters anyway
-
fast forward to today
“you don’t have to apologise to him anyway”
-

you still make me very sad sometimes
I just don’t show it much
-
it manifests it self in a strange way
as if I’ve started to hate you
-
esp. for the stuff you do...
-
I no longer harbour the same sort of affections I had
since they never meant much to you
-
but I wish you wouldn’t change that way...

on the other hand
I miss having my closest friends around
-
sigh
-
I wish both of you didn’t have to go
-
but in a way... Goodbyes are part and parcel of life I guess

you could say I’m not mature enough
owing to the way I deal with my emotions and things
-
I agree I guess...

Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone
-
And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain
-

Foolishness to the world

2009-09-16T22:29:00.001+08:00

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written,
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise,
and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

(1 Cor 1:18-25)
-

------------------
if you look at the way we talk about Christ
-
you realise this... to people who don’t see it comes across as mere folly
-
why do we preach an empty tomb, a innocent man convicted who was hung and who died
when to others it just seems like a mere story that happened long ago...
-
why do we tell about a God who apparently can listen to us, can comfort us, that is so personal to us
yet it might seem like the random illusions cast by children with imaginary friends or schizophrenic mental patients
-
why do we tell about assurance of salvation, of hope and future
when to others it merely seems like a form of escapism from the harsh reality of this world
-

------------------
this is what God means to me
-
an all powerful, righteous and awe-some God
the God who holds the universe in the mere width of His palm
who is beyond time, beyond space
beyond all the limitations of the physical world
-
yet who created order and the physical universe
and made the laws of physics that govern this world
a God of order
-
yet a God who cares so much for each individual
that the very mere detail like the number of strands of hair each person has is numbered
-

------------------
this is what the Cross means
it shows me to what length God loves us
-
I know that one way a person demonstrates Love
Love is more than just gifts
more than just words
but Love demands presence and touch
-
so God came down as Jesus on the Cross
a perfect gift which was so perfect it could carry all the sins of the world
yet a gift that cost so dearly, it demanded so much
-

------------------
and this is what the resurrection means to me
it shows me that God can do all things
it shows me how God keeps his promises
it shows me how God has won victory over the price of sin - death
-
and you cannot simply say it was just an empty tomb when hundreds have seen Jesus alive after He was buried

------------------
this is what Christianity means to me
its not a set of rituals one follows to gain nirvana or eternal life
its about experiencing God in a way that cant be described
-
its not a fashion accessory that is tagged on as another separate part of life
but something that demands everything in life to be consumed with
-
and I quote CS lewis:
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-

------------------
to many, its just another religion, another foolish religion
or worse, a cult of weirdos and strange delusional people
-
even as I was interrogated today,
as a form of ‘entertainment’
-
but to me, it means everything

the link...

2009-09-10T05:46:00.000+08:00

you know for a number of days I woke feeling rather cheery and all that
getting out of bed was never an issue
even with lesser sleep... as I looked forward to the day ahead
-

but it’s a different matter when you go to the other extreme
-
if you wake up feeling sad and all that
you dread waking up
you wish to sleep to forget everything
-

hence the link between physical tiredness and emotional tiredness
the body’s responds to negative emotions by triggering a sudden need to sleep
-
I remember even in pri school
whenever i was disciplined by my mum (via the old fashion rod)
-
and ended up feeling very sad
I would lock myself in the room and cry myself to sleep
-
In IB, I ended up sleeping a lot
just to fight off the sadness arising from unrequited affections...

I guess in a way
that’s how God made it to be
-
because the sleep, rest is the way to heal us both physically and emotionally,
but ultimately we must always find our rest in Him...

sine curve

2009-09-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

attaching my heart to another person's sine curve is strangely bitter-sweet,
yet past memories and experiences tell me that doing so is suicidal
-
even if I would trust the person with my whole life
-
sigh
am I getting too emotionally involved? even as a friend-friend level...
-
‘tis is so strange...
-

I know the odds is that people will move on
-
even close friends eventually drift apart
-
and sometimes I feel that perhaps even this ‘closeness’ is just an illusion
-
but... I .... ...
and I don’t want you to be sad =(

but this I still hold fast to

2009-09-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

He knows my thoughts
my hopes and dreams
-
so this is what I tell Him
-

“Lord, You see my heart and my thoughts
you know my hopes, my dreams...
-
I pray You be Lord over all these...
-
if You determine that it is in Your will not to grant me what I desire and hope for
I pray You comfort me in that time, You will hold fast to me
and assure me that You still love me
and have a better and more perfect plan for my life
-
if in time, my hopes and dreams do come true
I pray that I’ll give thanks to You on that day
and that I will not forget You no matter what”
-

far away lies a chilly thought

2009-09-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

you know how my mum always says pessimistic things
-
you know that she spells out one of the biggest fears I have
-
about how
people just move on... ...
-

if that does happen
-
I guess I’ll just wait
and search again... ...
-
after all it’ll be my fault in any case...

Prophecy

2009-09-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

there was one thing John Tay said that was right
-
about my sister’s becoming a nun...
-
no... two actually

now I really hope
-
the third thing will be right...
-
sigh =/

in absentia

2009-08-30T00:23:00.000+08:00

hanging around today
-
just wasn’t the same anymore without the usual
-

I shall be a bit strong in what I write in this post about something
-
but I guess you’ve to know, ever since I decided to drop off my feelings about you
I’ve learnt a lot...
-
it still makes me very sad though
hearing about clubbing
being yelled at and pushed at
-
even though through this apparent mask of apathy and disconcern
and apparent ‘interest’ for someone else
-
sigh
-
you said
“you have eyes for nobody but petrina”
-
but that’s not true
I always cared for you in a strange way...
always watched out for you...
-
and I guess everything still hurts me the way they did...
just less because I choose not to let them hurt me as much
-

if you read this
you might hate me for posting such stuff publicly
but I don’t really care if you hate me anymore...
-
I just want you to hate what God hates... somehow...

-
I wish I could change the influences and things that happened
-
the past and the present
-
but it was never meant to be my concern
-
as tim told me before
about how in any r/s (friendships/BGR/family)
-
we need to let God do His work in His time
and simply commit them in prayer
-

A true heart

2009-08-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

Don't you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.'
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean’.“
(Matthew 15:17-20)

reflecting upon this short passage for the bible one thing thing makes me wonder
-
is it enough for us to simply hold fast to not speaking vulgarities, not saying lewd jokes, not doing acts of immorality
-
but here is the scenario I’m placed in...
I hold fast to the ideas of not swearing, not cracking lewd jokes, and not participating in orgy fests of peering over semi-porn magazines/Real porn
-
but that doesn’t mean my mind does not get corrupted by such influences in army
pretty soon I find myself thinking sinful thoughts, swearing in my head whenever I’m annoyed or irritated...
and it occasionally sometimes comes out of my heart into the mouth... except I mince it up
-
F*ck - AFFF
KNN- kana sai
LJ - cock
CB - cheeese
-
and I also know I’m not immune from thinking lustful thoughts and stuff....
while being friends with a number of girls helps a lot that I respect them enough to not want to think about it
but it seems to be repressed at one side just waiting to jump at me

---------
Jesus said it was not enough to simply do the outward actions and deeds
-
but like what He said:
”Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.“
(Matt 23:25-28)
-
But being a Christians starts from the inside first, being transformed into His likeness from the inside-out
-
so no matter what culture we get exposed to
it is important to learn to guard our hearts and minds and not become influenced, not just in our actions but in our hearts too

A weird dream

2009-08-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

-
it was meant to be a chartered bus ride... like those we took from BB HQ to Perak for primers challenge
one of those long distance ones
-
but somehow the bus seemed empty except for you and me
sitting next to each other...
-
and after that Kenneth suddenly appeared and laughed
-
and I woke up ....

-
subconsciously
I still miss you a lot =(

Counter-culture

2009-08-27T01:37:00.000+08:00

deciding to reflect upon my army experience so far...
-
after talking fair bit about how we get exposed to a culture we don’t feel comfortable in and stuff like that
-
in a sense of being placed in a palce of godless culture

I remember day one.... in the bunks of Leopard coy of BMTC sch 2
-
while we introduced ourselves to each other... largely JC students of different backgrounds
we still retained the sense of identity as such... JC students, polite conversations
-
till we got introduced to 3SG LKY (no it’s not Lee Kuan Yew, leopard people would know)
and the warren officers
-
very soon we realised what army culture was about
a culture opposed to the very moral values the christian faith believes in
-
I need not elaborate about the numerous vulgarities and lewd jokes, references, and posters splattered around the Plt office
but pretty soon, most of us began to lose out identity as polite JC students
and became assimilated into the whole culture of everything.
-
which brings us back to an important point I guess
-
As christians, we are told to be salt and light of the earth... (matt 5:13-16)
and we cannot hide our light (stand aside and try to blend in)
or lose out saltiness (assimilate into worldly culture)
-
which is the who danger of many of us immersed in various places with cultures opposed to our values
we end up sacrificing our values for the sake of gaining acceptance
and end up being too comfortable in a godless culture
-
in the same way Lot was comfortable in the culture of the Sodomites and choose to live among them
-

but then again it doesn’t mean we end up isolating ourselves from the rest... a mistake I made over the past 2 months while in Jurong camp.
-
it is possible, as I learnt in sembawang
and after Sean spoke to me about it
to be able to work with and even create friendships with people even in a godless culture, without sacrificing our own moral values
-
simply as Jesus put it
‘In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven’
-
an idea of putting in your best in everything
showing a good testimony, so that we may make a difference in a different culture.
-
an idea of being for people when they need it
just like how Jesus would reach out to a world of sin and depravity
-

absence makes the heart grow fonder...

2009-08-24T22:23:00.000+08:00

you know how they always say friends come and go
life eventually forces friends apart... even best of friends
-
but again it all depends on how willing one is to hold on
a 2 way thing
-

even as one of my closer friends left
and the other prepares himself to leave too
I left here alone
I wonder if we’ll still be able to keep in touch always
-
since you’re always on my mind...
and I really miss having you around to talk to most days
-

its so stupid that I only realised something much later than I should have
but does it matter?
-
the idea of trust... even if life seems so uncertain
I need to learn that
-

if He truly holds my hand
and wants me to know that I need Him more than anybody else
-
learning to trust in Him
and Love Him above everything
-

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
-
but its a long time...
many things could have changed by then...
-
I guess, only to trust in Him...

But the word of the Lord remains

2009-08-23T21:47:00.000+08:00

looking beyond what you see now
-
to what He can do
and what He has promised to do, to give us a hope and future
-

So in a sense
being connected across 12 thousand kilometres isn’t that difficult
-
and friendships made might drift away
-
but if the Lord wills it
it will stay
-

I’ve behaved rather irrationally the past 2 days
since the morning of Friday
-
but I guess yeah... time to discard the old facades I tried to make up
or the thoughts I tried to force myself to think
-
I guess it is true then...

but I guess no matter how
-
words on a screen
even spoken words transmitted over electronic signals
or visual images over computers
-
nothing is the same as being physically present
and being able to smell, and touch
-

I guess in very much the same way
God doesn’t simply give us words from a bible
or audio visual miracle impacts like the works of his creation
-
He comes down and touches us
like the way Jesus touched the leper
-
because simply hearing or seeing is not enough for God to truly say He loves us

I must have spent

2009-08-23T10:47:00.000+08:00

about close to $360+ last week
-
$250 - studio charges
$50 - Tcc
$60 - cab fares to Orchard and Changi
-

sigh
-
I’m broke
-
and broken too =(
-
sigh =(

tearing down the space

2009-08-23T08:02:00.000+08:00

extreme sadness
-
to the point of
=’/
-
do I have a right to it?
-
sigh = /

at least not till we have to say goodbye...

2009-08-23T00:22:00.000+08:00

they say guys shouldn’t cry
-
but why?

pink room, pink tiles

2009-08-10T03:12:00.000+08:00

it seems that everything works by Newton’s 3rd law
-
Actioni contrariam semper et æqualem esse reactionem: sive corporum duorum actiones in se mutuo semper esse æquales et in partes contrarias dirigi.
For a force there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.
-
the more I try to move nearer, the further it moves away
the more I try to break apart, the nearer it goes
-
forces working in opposite direction

I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my resolves
if this keeps on
-
but having spent so much time these few days in peoples company
it seems that I’ve forgotten that I didn’t want to care
-
and its not on her behalf
-

I said I’ve let go
but no one ever said letting go involved flinging it far away
-
so does it mean it’s still is allowed to float around and taunt me?

on the other hand
if I let time take its course
-
God will know what to do right?
-
it seems like I wanted to say it myself
and attribute the words to someone else instead
-

I’ve built so many facades over myself
I dunno who’s the real me now?
only you 2 know
but even so I’ve never revealed everything to both of you eitherway
-
because I don’t know how you would respond...
-

being in uncomfortable circumstances
I just don’t know how to feel about it...

Differences

2009-08-07T15:50:00.012+08:00

when we comment about things of the past and present
-
like gummy bears in SMU orientation
-
but what makes me think I should trust the person who made my NS hell for me?
-

he talks a bit about what happened after the February of 2007
-
about some things not worth mentioning which XL never told me about...
-
in the past I guess
but he concludes
“not the kind of person you would want”
-
I drew my conclusion for that a few months long ago
-
just another reason to not regret that choice?
even though it was just the past
-
but I should not judge a person... only God can
-
but I still hope and pray
that one would make the right choices in the end...
-

He moves on
asks about somebody else
-
and eggs me on to do something I told myself not to do
I give my reasons
-
he stills brushes them off...
“LDR” he says
-

somehow it also strange
when he implied ugliness of the latter
-
i was really mad
-
when Lei said the same about the former today
I didn't really care as much
-
I wonder if that says anything about myself...

to the world
the immediate gratification is a important thing
satisfy the carnal needs and desires
-
but I know the God has placed a time and season for everything
and He makes everything beautiful in His time
-
so I guess in His time He will provide
So is there a point listening to a person I labelled an accuser(satan), now tempting me?
-

Darling dear me

2009-08-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

people change overtime
for the better, or for the worse
-
so do I
-

the choice of words one uses can have impact upon people
-
somehow, like it was a dig against what I used to be
-
because it reminds me of a time where I used to think my world revolved around you
and merely being addressed in such endearing manners would mean a lot
-
for now, I simply go into defensive...
because I took so much pain and trouble to convince myself that you were not worth it
-
that feeling hurt because I felt that the things you did, the clothes you wear
are what God hates...
-
and I don’t want to go back to where I was before...
besides, I never really meant much to you anyway...

little drops of sarcasm and indifference to the stupid jokes cracked
-
now that you somehow have concluded that I’ve ‘switched targets’ from you
and now am ‘terrorising’ someone else other than you
-
its easy to laugh it off, because it definitely wasn’t like the way it was with you
except a little awkwardness at times, there is always a limit to how close a friend can be...
-
but somehow like the harry potter in Half-blood prince
the emotion that calls itself jealousy sometimes manifests itself it ways I cannot understand
-
I can trick and persuade my intellect...
but I cant trick my emotions...
sadly
-

I cannot become too attached to either one of you
since both of you will be going separate ways soon
-
moving on to make new friends and life on a whole
-
but I still want to spend as much time as I can with you all while I can
because you both mean a lot to me... as precious friends I have poured my heart into...
-

and someday, even if we never see each other in this life on earth
-
I pray, we will stand before God in the day of judgement righteous before Him
-
and worship Him together and thank Him for the times He has blessed us with

You are the one I want...

2009-07-31T21:06:00.002+08:00

I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been thinking of changing my mind
It never stays the same for long
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

[Chorus]
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only see by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want

Giftings

2009-07-26T22:31:00.000+08:00

Throughout the past 3 years... as I served in various school ministries...
-
BB, FireAC, Choir,
-
I have been encouraged in various ways, after each of the many sessions of worship I lead in these sessions,
-
when someone comes up to me and says that God really touched them as I ministered to them through the songs
-

simply, I never really understood
-
how is it that God can use me, a vessel so unworthy, to minister to people through the worship songs
-
after all many times, I feel as if I’m simply going through the motions of ‘doing what I usually do’
-
seeking after God before starting out in worship
coming clean before Him
and inviting his presence into the midst of us
-

of course when i first started out
-
I never really have an idea what i was doing
after a number of lessons learnt along the way
I sort of understood what corporate worship encompasses
-

Today as I, for the first time, lead the children in the Sunday school(Gracestar) to sing songs while playing acoustic... Auntie Cynthia was leading them in prayer and actions
-
it was nothing particularly special... me as a vocalist and instrumentalist, with Yelin singing as well
-
but today was different... it wasn’t the same like the past few instances seeing the sian sian faces of the kids
-
it was as if they really wanted to worship God today...
-

perhaps worship, leading worship in particular
not just wielding a guitar or keyboard
-
perhaps that really is God’s gifting for me
and where He is calling me to...
-
I wonder...

Living on His Mercy and grace

2009-07-10T00:27:00.000+08:00

essentially
-
somehow God has been very faithful to me
-
a lot of times I could have gotten into trouble and all that
but so far, He has delivered me from all these...
-

yet I wonder
is it possible to take for granted the grace and mercy He shows us?
-
after all He is a God of justice as well
-

somehow all of us in one way or another show this sinful, bad quality
-
we, like Peter, deny Christ, sin against Him, and drag His Name in the mud over and over again
-
yet, how, that God could, as far as the east is from the west, remove our sins? (Ps 103:12)
-
God is Love... a Love that adds value to worthlessness
-
A Love beyond reason indeed...

Conflict

2009-07-01T23:43:00.000+08:00

personal commitments i make
-
they always seem to be clashing with everything else
-

physical discipline is easiest to manage
-
mental discipline is hard though
-

I worry
about everything
even though I know worrying doesn’t make a difference
-
I worry where to go after army
-
I worry that I’ll end up distancing myself from particularly close friendship built over the past few years
esp when I stay here, and they go...
-
I know God tells us that we don’t gain anything by worrying
-
even the sparrows have food, the flowers bloom and are clothed
-
but its hard not to think about it
-

Expectations

2009-06-30T21:19:00.001+08:00

when you give much to something
-
isn’t more often than not you expect much back in return?
-

so when I gave my heart to a person
and when I didn’t get it back, it definitely hurt
-
when I gave my commitment to an organisation
and it rejected me, it definitely hurt
-
but, now, if I give my trust to someone?
I wonder...
-

like I said
I probably expect too much sometimes... ...

Disappearing into Indifference

2009-06-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

somehow thats what I have become of late
-
indifferent to everything around me
-
whether it be to arguing with Kenneth and not really caring about it
-
Or ignoring something that would have made me very concerned a few months back..
even though I know how it feels, if the issue is really about oco...
I had my turn one week before Enrollment parade
-
“we have enough, we dont need you”
I knew it was just a lame excuse... but back then it hurt a lot
-
imagine 6 years of life in this ministry
3 nights of going home at 3am in the morning...
-
and you tell me you don’t want me
even though you said God equips the called and not vice versa
-
after all the bible does tell us that we are like jars of clay
and Jesus is the treasure within...
although we are weak, He makes us strong
-
something I thought set the organisation apart
was the notion of Christ centered-ness
“the advancement of Christ Kingdom among boys”
-
but really, maybe its just changed to be the “youth organisation of choice”
ran secularly and all that...
essentially lost focus... just another UG competing with scouts and all there is out there...

I know I have a lot of characteristics that are my weakness
-
be it impulsive, short tempered,
-
But I also know “God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” (1 Cor 1:27)
-
Jesus also said:
“And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that town.”(Matt 10:14-15)
-
a need to move on I guess... for now at least...
which I have done in part... church music ministry...

indifference seems to be a pretty effective way to protect myself
if you don’t get emotionally involved, you cant get hurt after all...
-
somehow I only left 2 friends that I can really trust and can confide with most stuff
just that both of them would be going overseas soon
sigh
-

-
maybe its time I got back to God... asked Him to fill my life again
-
after all, indifference is just a form of escapism
-
Trusting that He makes all things new in His time...

disintegrations

2009-06-21T00:12:00.000+08:00

bitterness is what is left when one tries to cut off everything
-

In the past:
“I don’t want her to become hurt more than necessary”
“you’re not the one to be the one who helps her, you can only trust God that if she does fall, He’ll be the one who picks her up”
-
I’m not in any position to dictate how people should run their lives
whether I think its right or not, dressing, lifestyle, anything...
even if I care for them...
-
I still care, yet I cant...
because I have to let go, I cannot hurt myself anymore
-
so maybe by doing so
I end up hecking everything... “I dont care” attitude
even though deep down, I probably still care...
-

Like today:
“go shelter her” (John)
“I need to pass you your specs, never mind she wont want anyway, you go shelter her”
-
comparing to 6 months ago, where I simply didn’t care about myself...
leaving the comfort of a room out to pouring rains for her sake
-

and everyone seems to think I’ve somehow ‘switched targets’
-
which isn’t really true... close intimate friendship does not equate romantic interest...
-
I have no interest in getting attached at the moment...
not until I’ve grown more emotionally mature to handle it...
-
just that the lot of you simply want to make things awkward for your entertainment
esp. someone who seems to take it upon her self as her duty to “protect”
-
well at least I managed to enjoy a nice day with tim,
while all you know how to do is make things awkward...
-

meekness

2009-06-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

something I think I lack now...
ability to control my emotions
-

-
was forced to relive a string of unpleasant memories today
-
due to the excess of free time forcing everyone to have to talk about their “love lives”
-
so maybe I just had to talk about whatever happened in Y5 and leave it as that
-

sigh, people I know who could help me forget and move on
-
but maybe not facing up to it is simply running away
-

I know perfectly well
I can never ever end up committing my emotions fully to another person until I’ve dealt with my past
-
but I wish I could... sometimes...
-
cringing at the thought of clubbing and drinking
and “going wild”
as how I remember how Charles said before, near a Seah Im hawker centre
-
sigh
maybe that’s why it was never meant for me

-
maybe I could retain the naive thinking
drawing closer to God, leading to who He would give
-
simply waiting for the right time and not jump unto it
a laughable idea to everyone else...
-
give me faith to believe that...
faith built upon the Rock, which is sure and steadfast

and regarding the thing everyone keeps bugging me about...
-
I am not looking for something along that lines,
if I was I wouldn’t try in that way
“terrorising”
-
since “I’m not emotionally ready” eitherway
-
think along the lines of how she once told me to “stop bullying tim”

My little Home Studio Setup

2009-06-17T01:30:00.001+08:00

Thought I“ll show off a bit today =)
-
Picture:

Equipment:
AT2020 Cardioid Condenser microphone
Alesis Multimix 6 FX
M-Audio Firewire Audiophile (Grats to Kevin)
Logic Pro 8

Instruments:
Yamaha PSR E405 - via USB midi
Taylor 314CE
Baby Taylor (not in picture)
Fender American Highwayone Telecaster
Maestro UC-20 Ukulele
Yamaha Upright Grand Piano (not in picture)

Wishlist:
Drum machine
Bass Guitar
Electric Amps (although Logic Guitar amp Pro is really good enough for now)
Yamaha USB Studio Controller 88 keys/ KORG K88
Logic Mackie Controller
Rack Mount Pre-amp units
Classical guitar(my sis sold my previous one =( )

Current capabilities:
Up to 4 channel recording (via sound card / interface)
Up to 6 channel monitoring (2 via sound card, 4 via interface)

Hydraulic Rooms

2009-06-15T22:43:00.000+08:00

idle conversations
-
an attempt in assimilating me into everything
-

“Emil is not interested in girls”
-
“are you gay?”
-
“I’m not gay, I’m just not obsessed, I don’t think its right...”
-
“are you a guy or what?”
-
and HQ had to speak...
-
“he never ... anyway”
-
while HHHu asked about it
-
with my defiant answers that HQ was making rubbish claims
-
which were true
just not in the way they thought it meant
-

-
all these interrogations
-
in the midst of more other stuff...
when you keep insisting of pushing a point which may not be true to begin with
-
I find that it becomes harder to firmly decide that its not true
after all there really isn’t anything hard about making it true
just my choice NOT to...
-
heh, and you really have double standards anyway
-
I just wish I could talk to Tim... =(
talking with other close friends just isn’t the same =/
-

Looking for a saviour

2009-06-14T02:04:00.000+08:00

today as Simon shared
-
a reminder
-
“if we had one wish that meant everything to us”
“we spend all our time chasing after it”
-
“but we either suffer crushing disappointment if we fail”
“or have a temporary euphoria that last for a while, before we realise it cannot fill”
-
“we all have a God shaped hole in out hearts”
“Jesus is the only thing in which when you fail, He will forgive you”
“and if you get, He will fulfil you”
-

in contrast, Hollywood morals, the movie I watched today
love, sex and marriage
-
the most important thing to them

sigh
-
lets say if I really do get over being hurt so badly...
but that hurt is so painful
that I don’t want to be hurt again
-
say if that was true in both ways
but it would just be temporary euphoria anyway
not how Hollywood portrays it
-
and either way nothing lasts
even the few sweet wrappers in my wallet, the yellow card in my room will probably go away too
-
only Jesus will...
-

Moral Reversals

2009-06-12T21:54:00.000+08:00

I remember, in the months following the February of 2007, I had a series of bizarre or unsettling dreams/nightmares involving the issues that i was struggling with at that time...
-
i somehow seem to remember one of them quite clearly... the pretext was some mini-calandar meeting?
-
when somehow it seemed as if i didn’t care about the other for another
let you have it while I settle for something else...
-
maybe it was a reflection or foreshadowing of my present state...
or struggle to set my thoughts straight
-

in army there are a lot of reverse morality, like how in King Lear we studied how virtue was made crime... how evil was made into good and good evil
-
same here
where idle talk and lewd language are made right
and excommunicating one from the group wrong
-
where being civil and pleasant no longer becomes a granted
but where “no one owes you a right to be nice to you”
-
where everything is okay, except don’t get caught
sigh
-
resisting assimilation into reverse morals
is hard...

I wonder how a piece of white cloth can have any significance...
something I have too
something I used to wear
-
but I don’t even know what my thoughts are... now
-

moving on to the future...

2009-06-08T01:21:00.000+08:00

Disney movies...
-
a memory
when you wish upon a star...
the stuff that kids grow up happy with...
-
“I feel so happy,”
“but some wishes don’t come true... sigh”
looking at two other people in front of me
-

you wonder what happens as we move on
-
go our separate ways... whether to army. to UK, to Canada, to Uni, to wherever in the world
-
Would we forget...?
-

maybe why my time with you is so precious to me
-
while I also wish i had more time with tim
-
sigh...

I remember

2009-06-06T19:16:00.000+08:00

how I told God a year ago
-
that it was worth giving up everything...
about how I felt about stuff
-
for the sake of a friend’s salvation
-

well it wasn’t the same thing I expected
-
but yeah...
i guess its good too... that they did find God
eventually
-
awesome

on the other hand about today
-
I find it very amusing that the 2 of you(LM, Eve) want to so called “protect” your ‘girlfriend’ away from me...
stay away from her you say
haha
-
heh
I wouldn’t have said the same thing 2 years ago during bio study...
but i guess that’s because its different
haha
-
highly amusing you aren’t keen of keeping me away from another person... not like it matters anyway...
-

its strange haha...
sorting out thoughts...
-
I wonder if there really is a difference between mind and state of mind...
-
like the whole Plato cave analogy... what you think it is isn’t what it is...

you have NO RIGHT

2009-06-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

to call any of my friends ugly or anything
-
esp. the one you mentioned today
-

insult me all you want
but leave it at that
-
don’t ever talk nasty things about other people you don’t even know
-

I dunno how on earth can a person be as UGLY in character as that...
-
RARRR... wish I could squash you like an ant...

for the record, I’m not referring to any of the people outside my camp

River flows in You

2009-06-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

-
I heard this first in played with the SAC piano
-
in choir room - Shawn
-

sigh... past memories again...